StoryBoardC

Eggs|Boiled.

O.K. I have a huge confession to make...I just recently learned how to boil eggs. Yes, until now I never knew this simple culinary art form. Don't get me wrong, I have made many attempts prior to finally learning. All epic fails for sure. Either too runny out of fear to boil them too much or boiled to the max where they come out resembling rubber. Please note: I am not a complete idiot:) I just come from a long line of Midwest mediocre cooks (crock pot cooking or nameless goulashes for example) and I did pass Junior High Home Economics. Seriously though it is so ironic that I am drawn to the fine art of foodiness and love pouring over cook books and cooking blogs. Just maybe it stems from a search a couple years back for my Fathers biological Mother. I finally did find her, unfortunately she passed away in 2001. But, in her obituary it did state that she had a lifelong love affair with cooking. Maybe, Now the quest for cooking the perfect boiled egg makes sense:)

On my perfect boiled egg quest, I found some pretty good resources along the way. Gwyneth Paltrow's always minalmist chic Goop How to Cook a Egg and the Incredible Edible Egg.com's cooking school Boiled Eggs were my número uno online. Then my friends, roommate, various co-workers all came to my rescue with their own "tried and true" boiling methods. Even a old creative pal on Facebook posted how to prep your hard boiled eggs for the perfect de-shelling. Quite honestly I started to begin to think I truly have gone Egg mad with this mission:)

But, finally I came up with my own version of the nearly perfect Boiled Egg. No green covering around the egg yolk, minimal egg smell and shells that pop off with ease.

The Nearly Perfect Boiled Egg.

1. Place Eggs in Pan. Make sure that they all can rest with ease on the bottom of the pan and are not crowded. Then fill with very cold water and add ice cubes as well (this is the secret I swear).

2. Turn the burner on and start the boiling process. Add a nice dash of salt. Then once the ice cubes have melted and the water is on Boil. Leave the eggs to boil for another 1-2 minutes.

3. After the 1-2 minutes of boiling, turn the burner off and allow the eggs to after cook for 8-10 minutes depending how you like your egg yolk. While your waiting, prep more icy cube water.

4. Now immerse the cooked eggs in the ice water your pre-prepped. Let sit for 2-3 minutes.

5. Then crack, peel and Enjoy.

Now with my own hard-boiled egg recipe, I can eat these lovely poultry perfections daily at work. So, high with protein they are beyond filling and sustain me with energy all day. Love that! And the best of all...I don't crack those babies open anymore and say, "Sh*t, they are not cooked!." Peace of mind indeed:)

Love, C.

Bonus: You know what goes perfect with Eggs? (Kevin) Bacon of course. This short film by Incredible Edible Egg.com is hilarious.

Building my Nest.

*Hi, this is a post I began before publishing my 3 part Essay series, Choosing Balance over Chaos. I just finished it today and really wanted to still publish it. It is another life challenge close to my heart. I hope it might help someone as well. Love, C. April 20, 2015.

I know I have been absent from posting since Easter Sunday, but I still have been secretly writing and writing. A million words it feels like and they all are waiting anxiously to be published:) Actually I have 10 posts in queue, a three part essay series and some other posts that are in line with my new, yet very old subject. If you have read my blog for any length of time you have seen its evolution. But, there has always been one common thread- Finding my voice. Attempting to share the authentic bits and pieces of this little life of mine. I try not to hold back, but there have been times where my focus has been on my interests or what I think others would like to read. The latter never works out, I always lose steam. My interests on the other hand will always have a place here as much as they might change or not:)

Since moving here to ATX, I have made a very conscious effort to further my quest in finding my writing voice. Focusing more on content and pushing myself as a writer. Instead of just hitting the publish button without edits, I create posts with intent. No free flow anymore:) Don't worry I don't edit my thoughts, just my grammar to the best of my ability. There will always be some flaws, but I have learned to embrace that imperfection. This why I adore blogging so much. I am the writer, editor and publisher all wrapped up in one. My writing style flaws and all rules the roost:)

But, one thing that has been evident throughout all this conscious writing, is how much I have learned to write for myself and focus on the subjects that matter most. There is one life subject in particular that carries so much weight for me. It is the one thing that comes out with such ease as I type, but also leaves me feeling a little vulnerable. Ok, largely vulnerable. While it swirls and swirls around me on a daily basis begging to be talked about...and this where I have began to build my nest.

Bare with me, the Building My Nest analogy will make sense by the end of this post:) I promise:) While sitting out on the back patio the other evening after a wicked hangover. I brewed a big pot of coffee and sat to edit some posts while enjoying the amazing spring evening and light. As soon as I begun to edit on my iPad, I kept on getting interrupted by a Dove in the yard. It was a good interruption actually, my editing skills were a bit foggy from the night before. So, instead of staring at my screen, I decided to watch the sweet little Dove:)

I so enjoyed her focus and fearlessness as she searched for the perfect twigs to build her nest atop of the neighbors home. She would come so close to me at times in her little quest. Rummaging with her beak in the grass nearly a few feet away from me. Tilting her head my way as if she was asking permission to take the twig from the yard or if it was OK to come so near me. This little scenario went on for nearly hour.

Her natural determination spoke to me in volumes. Reminding me of where I am at in the moment. Working on building my own life nest, instead of gathering twigs. I am gathering knowledge from friends around me. Asking for help in ways I have never have before. Being able to embrace my vulnerabilities and throw fear out the window. Finally Realizing it is OK to say I don't know how to do certain things.

My whole life things were just done for me. When I fucked up, I was rescued always. I feel like I have lived much of my life in this perpetual state of childhood. Never really growing up, until my Mothers illness and death. She always took care of me and I am not talking financially. Maybe except in a pinch. But, emotionally and spiritually. She was my backbone as with my ex-husband. I never had true worries, I knew that they were always there to help me along. But, now with them gone. I have felt like a displaced housewife. Fumbling along... Trying to find my balance. In territory I have never seen before.

My number one stumbling block is finances. I am horrible at it. Growing up I was never taught the fine art of financial freedom. I remember my parents constantly fighting about this, my mother spent and my father saved. My mom felt good when she was buying beautiful things, it filled a void for her. My father didn't understand this and constantly was on her case about it without any look into what was really going on. It was a icky cycle between them and I had a front row seat to it. I have become a little mix of both.

Recently, my dear roommate has come to my rescue with a bill that couldn't be paid. It was scary not have savings to pay for emergency car repairs and getting even more behind. I am beyond grateful for his financial help, but even more thankful for his accountability. If he was to help me, he asked if I would allow him to put me on a budget. I accepted. It has not been easy and it is a constant challenge everyday. But, there is freedom in it as well. It is the help I really need more than anything. Lessons I should of learned many years ago, but am implementing now.

So, this is how it works...John bought me a composition notebook (and he got himself one as well. He would never ask me to do something unless he did it himself:) to write everything down. All my bills and expenses. Beginning with my Bi-weekly pay balance. Once everything is paid, the remaining balance is broken down into a daily expense. For example, $10.00/day to spend on whatever is needed or wanted. But, the true goal is not to spend that Money. Try to keep yourself at a Zero spending balance and save it. John has coined it as having a zero day:) It's kind of a little game with yourself. The more you don't spend, you win a nice little savings nest egg:) I am so excited to see the fruits of this financial change.

I know it all takes time and is only a part of building that Life Nest for myself. It's a beginning, not unlike my recent essays on choosing balance over chaos again. They all encompass each other for sure. I am now curious to know if there is anything in your childhood that you were never taught that is a huge stumbling block in adulthood for you? Can you begin to build your own Life Nest out of that challenge?

Love, C.

Choosing Balance over Chaos. Part 3.

April 1. 2015.Good Morning. I am currently sitting at the "round table in my roomies garage writing and drinking my coffee. I know a strange phenomen hanging out in a garage, it's definitely a Texas thing:) but, it is nice on a cloudy-rainy day. Having the sounds and sights of the great outdoors as I type this last of the choosing balance over chaos series. I do hope you participated in the two little questions I asked yesterday. Here they are again: A. What is a seemingly ordinary moment in your life that gave you a heaping dose of insight that you still carry with you? B. What is your idea of balance in life vs. chaos? I also asked for a little inventory of what you came up with as for today I will share mine.

Yesterday, I shared my answer to question A. How a ordinary moment can yield such insight that I still continue to carry it with me to this very day, Choosing balance over Chaos. To consciously choose this simple formula has created such great growth in my life.

Balance vs. Chaos.

Balance: What does it look like for me? Focus, Prayer. Pushing through fear and resistance to change. Making a balance of time for myself and others. Selflessness. Striving to eat healthy. Exercising. Good Sleep. Self acceptance in the moment. Being creative. Pure Intention.

Chaos: What does it look like for me? Avoidance. Being withdrawn *I have a huge tendency to withdraw from others. Spending too much time by myself. Definitely a part of my only child syndrome:) Selfishness. Overindulgence. Making assumptions. Living by my feelings alone. Lack of focus. Jealousy. Envy. A fleeting sense of entitlement.

I know it is naturally hard to look at our faults and take a honest assessment. God knows it kills me each time to see that ugly side of myself. But, once I finally did and still do. It's freeing. It allows growth, love and change to happen. Balance is then allowed to come into your life and take over the chaos. It doesn't happen overnight and it is a constant daily choice. At first is so difficult, but it does get easier. I promise.

Now with all this talk, it is time for some intention and action. Scary I know, I am right there again as well. I wouldn't be writing this series if I wasn't. But, today I will be ending this series with the Creme de la Creme of two final questions that will bring A-C-T-I-O-N into motion.

A. What triggers chaos in your life? My answer is lack of routine and prayer. Since moving here to Austin, TX. I have yet to find my routine. Not just any routine. I am speaking of a healthy one. Since being here I have chose some not great routines. Drinking and eating whatever seems good in the moment. Overindulging and allowing others lifestyles choices become mine. Please know I am not blaming anyone. I am adult and can make my own choices. But, last evening I was watching the Movie Enough Said (Great movie by the way) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. There is a scene in the movie where she (Eva) is celebrating her daughters Graduation at a dinner with her ex-husband, his new wife and some of their mutual friends. The tension is there of course, but how couldn't it be...and it doesn't help that uncomfortable relationship questions come up and Eva instantly goes into defense mode. Then the waiter appears, which seems like a temporary breath of relief. But then her ex-husband requests for the dinner roll basket to be refilled. A normal request by any standards yet Everyone at the table says no, but he still insists that the waiter fill it just in case. Eva then goes off, "Why would you do that when you know I can't resist eating them?". Then the conversation goes into overindulgence and how Eva never could say no and how her ex-husband "sacrificed" not having those kind of things around. Of course the new wife chimes in saying nonchalantly with a dash of pride, she is never tempted to over eat. Ugh, that whole scene made feel as if it was a flashback. This is me. I choose not to have those kind of triggers around and when they are it is a spiral effect. I usually can't resist when I am life chaos mode. This why a routine filled life is necessary (food choices planned and in order) I need to feel like I have control.

Another trigger of chaos in my life is lack of prayer. When I don't take the time to be centered in faith and have that daily prayer dialogue. Things get crazy for me. Old habits reappear.

B. When were you in Balance and what were the life fruits of it? I do hope you are in balance mode:) I myself again am in the midst of getting back to it again. It definitely is a process and helps to recollect when I last was... I was working and living with my dear friends Mother Milada. Oh how do I miss her and her 83 year old wisdom and perspective. We had quite a routine together and learned so much about balance. First of all she taught me the art of eating well and moderation. I learned how to cook healthy meals and the importance of appropriate indulgences. She even taught me by her example to set goals with exercise. Each day upstairs she would walk around with her walker as I followed her. Cheering her on those daily 8-10 times around. I know it sounds like a little amount of walking, but to her it was big! I learned that any amount was better than none and we each need to push ourselves that extra mile or lap. But, what she taught me most of all. Is the importance of prayer and hope. Each night we would pray the rosary together. It was quite honestly the highlight of each of our days together and afterwards would lead to the most remarkable of conversations.

In those conversations is where some of the biggest fruits of living in balance were revealed to me. If you were to look at Milada's current circumstances and the abundant life she had been given. Being married to a world renowned Cardiologist (and she is a Doctor herself), having a beautiful family full of love, her dream home and amazing life that her and Her beloved husband created together. Then the Travel and experiencing people, places and things that others could only dream of including myself. But, It wasn't always that way, she had a modest yet very loving upbringing in Prague, then cruelly interrupted by the horrors of Hitlers regime. Including the imprisonment of her own father by the 3rd Reich. Once World War II was over and life seemed to get back to normal, she met the most wonderful Young man, who like her had a strong faith. They both began to enjoy a deep friendship that eventually blossomed into love. During their courtship they attended church often together and also attended the same Catholic Youth Group. Oh, how I loved hearing her tell these stories. Seeing her face light up remembering the dear Doctor and their first moments together. Milada also always told the other parts of their story...how Unfortunately that young man, though born in the Czech Republic was also a US citizen. Once the communists took over, he needed to leave the country for his own safety. He was so torn to leave without her and vowed that they would be reunited again.

In the months after his departure, Milada still continued to go to the Catholic Youth Group despite the warnings from the communist government. She found such comfort and peace with her fellow friends at the meetings. Then one day, the warnings became reality. She was arrested for being a possible enemy of the state. She then experienced 18 months of solitary confinement that included constant interrogation, harassment and torture. After that she was sentenced to 8 years in a labor camp. By the Grace of God she was eventually released after four years to attend her Fathers Funeral and never went back. Thus began her own life of finding balance and not allowing the chaos of others dictate her life.

What I learned from the fruits of her experience and sharing the most intimate details of the horror she went through...was finding hope in the most discouraging of circumstances. Some that we don't have control over. Prayer kept her alive and even thriving. Her mind and heart became her only sacred sanctuary. She grew strength in the knowledge that God would not abandon her and even if he had brought her to this very ugly place. She never gave up... She kept on going. She learned to be resourceful and uncompromising in these most dire of situations. She also experienced what true hunger was and living with the lack of the physical things we "need" most. These lessons she shared with me became a game-changer.

Anything is possible. Striving to live in Balance is a constant commitment to living the best version of yourself. It has its beautiful moments, but it is never easy. You will fall, but will also get up again as I am now. The weight and health journey encompasses so much more. It is a whole life package, not individual sections. Are you ready to choose balance over chaos? I know I am. Please join me.

Love, C.

*If you interested in knowing more about Milada's journey. Here is a wonderful article written by Thomas A. Szyszkiewicz, Love Will Wait for the National Catholic Register last year.

Choosing Balance over Chaos. Part 2.

March 31. 2015.*Whoa, yesterday's post was pretty raw and confessional. After re-reading it last evening and doing very few edits. I decided to let it just be and signed off to do today's post in a part 2. I don't know if I will end up publishing these little essays of my current status- attempting to curve the chaos of my health/weight loss journey. I really would like too...I will probably let them live in my drafts for awhile and then bravely hit publish eventually I hope:)

It is so easy to share the successes (balance), but the (chaos) challenges are so hard for me to admit. I find shame in them and feel as if they are dirty little secrets. My weight/self image issues most of my life have carried this feeling. I know it goes back to childhood...but, I have never wanted to speak about it in such a public format as blogging, yet I have shared bits and pieces over the years. And I have always been so surprised by the positive feedback I have gotten from others. So, encouraging and receptive to hearing my story. Readers finding common ground in my experiences and allowing themselves to express their own stories to me. It is a beautiful feeling to know I am not alone and maybe helping others to open their own healing dialogue with themselves.

Before I begin to tell my weight/health story, I really want to focus on explaining my weight loss mantra, Choosing Balance Over Chaos. *[First of all, I need to make a disclaimer:) I am No Weight loss Expert, but I do consider myself a "weight loss learner", not because of years of schooling... But nearly a lifetime of mistakes and experiences in search of pursuing what personally works for me. Now with that said, I hope whatever I share here might open you up to finding your own healthy formula.]

Background on Making of a Mantra: It all began with not so long walk, a collage and a moment with a friend. I do plan on telling my whole weight and health story here after these these three posts are complete. *I just went through my blog archives and collected all my Ignite. Love, C. Posts under the category of the same name on my sidebar. Some never been published until now:) Do check them out for further glimpse into my journey. But, in the meantime I want to express my continued formula for transformation, healing and reclaiming hope with health and self-awareness with my weight.

I remember the very day I realized that consciously choosing Balance over Chaos was working for me. It was back in 2011. I had just been about a month into my new health journey. Oh, man it was not easy. Quite honestly one of the hardest things I had done in a long time. Everyday fighting with my old habits, while creating new ones. The resistance to change was unbearable at times...emotionally and physically. Emotionally all my nearly lifelong bad habits of coping seemed to be "pissed"off, "What you want to stop eating emotionally and not indulging when ever you want. You don't want to feed yourself crap food daily? And now you want to exercise daily? What the hell is wrong with you??!?". Man, it was such a battle. And I truly had to take it on each moment of the day. Constantly telling myself to choose that new balance and not listen to that internal dialogue of chaos that had been my lifestyle for so long.

So, June 25, 2011 became quietly epic. The weekend before I had gone over to my one of my best friend homes to hang out. I had also began doing collages again and made two individual ones for her and her husband. Rediscovering my art again was another big way of coping with all the positive change I was making. At the house that night were some other mutual friends. Oh, It was a such a lovely evening... I remember my dear friend had just began her own life change: conversion to the Catholic faith and I was apart of that journey as well. Another friend of ours was there, more of acquaintance to me over the years. But, after seeing my other collages, he wanted one for himself. So, over the next week we emailed back in forth with ideas and then finally it was complete. So, we decided that I would deliver it to his house that Saturday. My then husband had to work and had the car, so I decided to push myself a little further and walk there. Then afterward the collage drop off, I planned walk over to my deceased best friends Mothers home to watch the annual Rochesterfest parade with her daughters and some other dear friends. It completely sounded doable to me and I was ready for extra exercise challenge.

The day was beautiful, yet a bit warm. I wrapped up his painting, put on my shoes and began my little journey. The walk itself went pretty well until I crossed off into his neighborhood. I had his address saved on my phone, but for the life of me couldn't find his street. Hindsight I should of used GPS, but phone apps weren't that prevalent yet:) I ended up by my old elementary school. So, lost in a neighborhood I had known since childhood. It was ridiculous, but surprisingly I kept my composure:) By now I was so thirsty though, the heat of the early afternoon sun was a bit too much for my still green behind the ears exercise self. I then happened to run into a old friend from work in her yard as I aimlessly wandered around and sat chatting with her until I caught my second wind. It was a wonderful chance meet-up, She had always encouraged me on my health journey and it turned out to be a nicely needed pep talk. And she finally directed me in the right direction to get to his street. I arrived just before he pulled up on his bike with his girlfriend. She promptly left and we headed inside his house. Oh my goodness that air conditioning felt so good and I begged him for a glass of water. He kind of looked at me strangely, but graciously heeded my request. We then sat down in his kitchen and he opened the wrapped collage and was so pleased with how it turned out. He offered me money and I declined of course and explained to him how happy I was to be doing art again. I can't remember all we talked about. But, it was fun hanging out with him and being in the moment. My unhappiness and insecurities had allowed little of that kind of time with friends for awhile.

I remember then looking at my phone and realizing that I only had a very short time to walk to the parade route. As he walked to me to his front door, I asked him if it was alright if he drove me the 6 or so blocks there. He kind of looked at me perplexed? "Didn't you drive here?", then after that I explained that I walked. He busted out laughing... "I wondered why you were so flushed and thirsty from walking from your car!." Ha! As we drove to the parade in his car, we couldn't help laughing at the absurdity of that. I didn't have the heart to tell him that just a month ago that scenario wouldn't of been too far off. I would get winded just thinking about walking any short distant. Interiorly it was a little milestone for me at that realization. I tucked it away in my mind to later at night digest it and spent the rest of the evening enjoying the parade:)

Back at home in the evening laying in bed while listening to the hum of the air conditioning window unit. I was such a good tired, my body seemed happy for the extra push of the the walk earlier and my heart was happy as well in how I didn't get too frustrated with myself at getting lost. It was kind of became a metaphor for my journey thus far... I had experienced feelings that I never expected. I didn't realize how immersed I was in such bad habits. And the challenge of getting past them was equally surprising. It was a constant choice/battle every moment I was awake. To either choose living my life in balance with health (body, mind and soul) or letting the selfish nature of chaos bulldoze my quest for a better existence. For one month straight, I had defied chaos and chose Balance! I couldn't believe it. I remembering getting up from bed as Ahmed laying next to me half asleep asking me where I was going? "Oh, to just write something down", he responded with his usual O.K. By now in our marriage he understood my quirky writing habits. When the words found me, they needed to be written down day or night not to be forgotten. Even though that rarely was the case, just a necessary precaution:)

I went to my writing window in the kitchen/dining room of our old apartment and opened up my steno pad and scribbled quickly in the dark, Choose balance over chaos. From that night forward it stuck and nearly always has ended up written in every inside journal cover since.

Currently as I am writing this post, it stares back at me. A daily reminder that I honestly don't always heed. Especially since I have moved down here to Austin, Texas. But, again those integral words that initially found me 4 1\2 years ago... still resonates loudly and is even more meaningful now. Helping me through this next stage of choosing the balanced life I crave far more than any of the chaos that keeps me stagnant.

Thank you for reading this little essay series. It really means a lot! Love you all so much! So, Tomorrow's post will finish it, but until then I have a two questions I am going to throw your way... A. What is a seemingly ordinary moment in your life that gave you a heaping dose of insight that you still carry with you? B. What is your idea of balance in life vs. chaos? Make a little inventory. I will be sharing mine tomorrow.

Love, C.

Choosing Balance over Chaos. Part 1.

March 30. 2015. It is time to come clean, I have been very unhappy. For months and months in fact. Struggling with old feelings, losing precious perspective and much needed focus. I am finding myself again in that dark lukewarm place of depression. Know matter what happy pills (a mild Doctor prescribed anti-depressant) I take or falling once again into that old sporadic habit of attempting to drink my cares away. Now remembering the latter does not work for me one bit. Celebratory partying weekend after weekend has really taken its toll on me. The recovery time gets worse and worse. A day of foggy-ness now has turned into days of it. I sleep more than I care to admit and have zero motivation. But, the worst of all of this is the return of something I thought was finally "gone", emotional eating/bingeing. It is a ugly cycle that keeps me uninspired and definitely not the best version of myself. But, there is hope somewhere mingled in that mess. It's what I call that urging, a moment like I had last night watching a movie that spoke to the sadness in my heart. Reminding me that life is not supposed to be lived through my present complacent existence nor the hauntings of my past mistakes. Instead in growth that maybe is uncomfortable (usually is), re-finding joy for the ordinary and knowledge again of that imperfect blend of boundaries vs. vulnerability.

As much as I hate where I am right now (not the physical place). I do cherish the clarity that is afforded to me in the disappointment of choices I have made. That very awareness does hurt like a S.O.B., but also re-wakens my soul to my potential. This stumbling, losing sight and painfully remembering...is such a part of the real journey for me. I sometimes wonder if it's God's way of saying, "Wait a minute, you didn't quite get all the lessons I was teaching you. So, I am going to back you up a bit and help you remember...". So, I am here God. Waiting and backed up in this muck again to try to fix what I "forgot". Can you help me?

He (God) has before and I know he will again. I have asked for his intercession so many times before, I know the faithful routine so well... Meeting him halfway with deep humility and a vulnerable heart. The true Acceptance that "we" have a lot of work to do again and such immense gratitude that I was caught before it was too late. A reminder that the very real journey of living a healthy life is continually Choosing Balance over Chaos. Bookmark or copy the above image if that statement resonates with you. This is one of the first things I learned on my weight loss journey and has always seemed to find me when I need it most. I haven't ever shared it until now. It seems like the perfect moment...

But, When you find things not in balance that's when the crazy choices appear. For myself currently, the act of hiding donuts in my bedroom to binge on like I was 10 years old again and then going to the grocery store to pick up those same donuts shamefully acting as if I was buying Crack. I need my fix dammit. It was a chaotic health choice then, but even now crazier knowing all the negative effects of emotional/binge eating even at 40. But, by the grace of god or past guilt, I had some sense in the moment to stop my edible madness and throw the remainder in the trash. Then sitting on my bed reliving this recent relapse. Letting the donuts digest in the form of guilt and pleasure, mixing together in my stomach like the perfect cocktail of false emotional fullness.

I have definitely said enough in this post tonight. I am kind of emotionally spent on words. I know I have much more to say, but I will leave it for tomorrow.

Love, C.